cream sauce part 2

woke up at 9:30 to go to a supermarket that sells cream, so i can try to make cream sauce again.

get there at 9:50. store doesnt open til 10. that's fine. go in, at 10, look for the cream. can't find it. i didnt walk 15 minutes to go back empty handed, so i pick up the heavy whipping cream and wait for the workers to finish their morning pep talk.

they finish their meeting at 10:15.

i find one of them, and she tells me they're out of the small boxes of cream, but that the cream that i'm holding should be perfectly fine. she seems knowledgeable, so i'm like, fine whatever i'll take it.

i go home and start making the sauce, dump the cream in...and then taste it. and realize what an idiot i am. cuz like most heavy creams, this one came sweetened.

so, i now have sweet oniony cream sauce that no one would ever want to eat.

this whole thing started because i told two of my coworkers that they should come over for a meal one day. i've made cream sauce once before in taiwan, and multiple times in japan, so i thought it wouldnt be a problem.

but now, all of a sudden, it is.

and i can't get it right.

and it's bothering me a lot more than it should.

i cant do anything right here. when i meet my relatives, i have no idea what to say or do. i don't know what to call my elders when i talk to them, i dont feel comfortable sitting at a restaurant with them and eating.

i cant make this fucking sauce.

i hate teaching because i can't do it well. i feel uncomfortable around my coworkers because i dont know how to relate to them.

i feel completely inadequate and patronized by the people i've met.

when i felt this way in college, i'd just try to boost my self esteem by going out, getting drunk, and letting myself feel attractive by making out with random guys. which is such a GREAT idea, i know. but i cant even do that here. i get tongue tied and retarded and cant say a word. when i finally get a guy into bed, i just kick him out and not let him do anything.

just, i. and i. and i.

Have no idea what i'm doing here.

Am afraid and blow things out of proportion, probably because of culture shock.

Think about everything way too much.

Expect too much from the people around me.. expect too much from being here.

i hate it here.

bad kitchen week!!! oh, and one of the burners is broken. so that's annoying enough.

tuesday night: cut my finger. bled through 8 paper towels.
tuesday night: failed porridge

i started freakin out when the blood started pouring out. strangely enough, my grandparents called 10 minutes later to ask if anything was wrong.


thursday morning: failed cream sauce!
- woke up to go pay rent, cancelled my language exchange so i could buy ingredients and cook. i was supposed to bring it to work to share with some of my coworkers. but FAILED. epic failed!!! i used milk instead of cream cuz the grocery store i went to didnt have any, which wouldnt mix properly with the butter, and then i put in the cheese that was in the fridge, and the entire thing was MOLDY and green and i was like SHIT so i pulled it out but it was already too late.

so now i have modly separated milky butter sauce.

YUM!

i want a camera!

so, on saturday my uncle and his wife came to see me!

we spent the whole day eating. it was pretty awesome.

i don't know why he did it, but when we were getting in the car to leave a scenic spot, he decided to drive forward, over the parking divider, instead of backing up. the car ended up getting stuck with the divider between the front and the back wheels.

the guy who owned the scenic spot saw us, took a look, and yelled at his guests. "hey, all you young strong people! come down here!"

they all came down, and the guys, two white guys and a bunch of taiwanese guys, gathered around the trunk, lifted the car, and pushed it over the divider.

it was pretty cooooooool.

saturday night went to a bar owned by a south african and a taiwanese person, called the londoner. i swear the place smelled just like a frat house. i was like...oh...i'm back in the states.

sunday went to visit some people we'd met at training in a city south of us.

i was tongue tied.

anyways.

i bought a shirt that is PERFECT for me! there are a bunch of pandas all over it, and they're all saying "alcohol is my soulmate. come have a drink with me sometime. enjoy life!"

and stuff like that.

on the way back, we forgot to transfer trains, and ended up having to take a taxi back halfway.

feeling unlucky, lately.

or actually...have been shown how lucky i am. :D

they didn't take anything from my roommate. they'd gone through her wallet and taken out the 25US, and just thrown it on the table.

they took everything that i had...even a one dollar bill i'd left in a sandwich bag.

it's weird to have someone go through all your stuff.

unzip all the bags.

open all the boxes.

go through all your clothes.

these things, even though they weren't taken...they're private. they're things i brought here with me that i got from friends and family.

i guess...i'm glad they only took the money. but i still hate that they did this.


you go home, and everything's open. everything that should be closed is open.


whatever.


i still have my coach bag. motherfuckers.

i want to cry

granted, i've had a couple of beers.


our apartment got broken into today.

well.

the police and the security guards are assuming that i forgot to lock the door.


so we didn't get broken into per se...the abc was just retarded and left her door open.

so you know, i was asking for it.


they took all the extra cash i had on me. cash that i was saving to pay for chinese classes at a local college.

when we reported it to the police, they were confused at first...because my roommate's chinese isn't very good, and they had assumed nothing was taken. i got home four hours later and found out my money was gone.

1. what was taken?
2. how much money was taken?
3. (not to my face. to my roomate) why did she have that much money on her? (the doormen think i'm a whore, btw.)
4. you're not taiwanese? seriously? let's get a translator.

translator gets here.

4. she's the one that needs help? she doesnt look foreign.
5. how much money do you make a month?
6. how much does your rent cost? (nothing to do with anything, just in case you couldnt figure that out)
7.. do you have a boyfriend or husband?
8. why don't you have a boyfriend/husband?
9. you must be used to seeing black people, huh? (not that i'm [the cop] being racist, you know)

i get home from work. my roommate tells us we've been broken into. i think she's joking. then i see that she has the kitchen knife next to her on the coffee table. we answer everyone's fucking nosy ass questions. i go to the police. the male police officers practice their english on me. view me as a novelty. i go home.

while i'm at the police station, my roommate stays at the apt with the security guard, who gets into an argument with her about how she's not American. (she's ABC as well).

asshole.

the security guards tell me to pay 500 NT to pay for the cost of transcribing the surveillance tapes to CD.

i tell them, "i was just robbed, and you want me to give you money?" (we already pay a security fee for our building...on top of our rent).

they tell me they'll get back to me about it later.

i had gotten home around 9. it's midnight now. i hadnt eaten since 4. and i fucking failed the class i had taught at six.

we go to a bar.

cuz naturally, i'm an alcoholic. and i can't handle these situations. have a cigarette too. meet some dogs. wax poetic about how much greater animals are than people.

i meet a bunch of white guys who remind me why i hate america.

or just why i hate white guys.

and i think..


WELCOME TO FUCKING TAIWAN.

taiwan: 1.5 months.

i love kacey

omg i make no sense and im just confused right now bear with me

it's 7am and i can feel my breath congeal against my face mask. moist air on one side, pollution on the other.

having sex seems to mean so much more here than it does anywhere else.

a cabbie picks me up on the corner.

"i thought the foreigner would be getting in the car, too"

i shake my head no.

"he's your..." he prompts, but i know what he's thinking. my hair is disheveled, my eyes are bleary, i smell like alcohol.

i know what he is thinking. the people who had seen me on the curb had been thinking the same thing.

"he's my co-worker. i'm an english teacher."

but it's not true, what you're thinking, i go on, justifying my actions. it's commonplace in america, this type of thing. it's okay, because i'm american too, and this is what happens in America.

because i'm american too.

it doesn't matter that nothing happened last night. that he was a white boy who wanted to be jerked off, while i laid in bed next to him with all my clothes on.

the cabbie knows what happened.

he looks at my face.

"you speak chinese well. lots of ABC's, they come back, and they can't speak a word."

"thanks."

he looks at me in the rearview mirror again.

i look at him.

he speaks a few lines of taiwanese.

"you didn't understand what i just said?"

"no," i say. "didn't understand any of it at all."