reading tuesdays with morrie

i have seven days of work left in taiwan...my first job out of college is finally coming to an end.

i have extremely mixed feelings about everything. even though i can say with absolute certainty that i don't want to stay here, i can't help but feel like crying when i think about telling my students that i'm going (which i still haven't done. irresponsible..i know), or when i think about leaving the friends that i've made here.

it's been ten long months of waiting, dark, hazy and unclear. usually filled with pain, emotional and physical, and endless confusion. asking myself who i am. seeing pictures of myself, knowing that it's me, yet...completely unable to associate that person with who i am inside.

but all of a sudden my experiences are coming into focus, and i can remember all the good things that i horded and hid somewhere in my ridiculous brain. i bought those memories with my unhappiness, and it's about time i brought them out, and let them shine like the drops of brilliant crystal that they are.


funny, i thought i could write about them...but i can't seem to articulate what any of them are.

even when i'm next to a good friend, i can still say point blank that i hate it here. even though they've said that they don't want me to leave. even though i know i'm insulting our friendship by essentially saying, "we're good friends and i'm so glad that i know you and met you and that you spent time with me when i was lonely, but i hate this place. this place you love, where you live, where you grew up, and where you want to be."

maybe it's because i was reading tuesdays with morrie while i was watching closer, but for some reason the only example of pure, energizing joy i can remember right now is this:

i met a boy. and he talked to me like he actually liked me. like he actually might want something real. and i believed him so that i could feel that sense of being full and complete, like i was someone that could be adored and wanted. i said to myself, enjoy this right now. enjoy this feeling because it's rare and not the result of crazy hormones, lack of sleep, alcohol, sugar, caffeine, a shopping high, or an unhealthy diet. it's real. someone likes you. a boy likes you.

you love him in this moment, and it's okay even if he breaks your heart later.

and i did do that..and i think it's the most courageous thing i did while i was here...to allow myself to feel that without hesitation and without doubt.

it was silly but i did it, and even though my reservations about him were completely on point, i'm still completely happy that i did what i did.

because i havent been able to do that since. and i worry that i won't be able to do it again, that i've pushed away any chance for it to happen. i can't even seem to open my heart to my friends.

i thought this post would be a bittersweet reminisce, something that would end my time here on a happy note, but it seems like i was mistaken. for all the good things i know i've experienced here, for some reason i still can't seem to dig myself out of my own bitterness.

i just can't seem to open my mind and think it through.

no, can't, won't, and hate just come effortlessly to mind.

i can read more chinese now, and sometimes there are jokes on the cellophane lids on our cups.

"why don't black people like eating dark chocolate?"

"because they're afraid they might accidentally bite off one of their fingers."

i've never seen so much innocent ignorance in my life.

i'm scared of going home. i'm scared of the nothing that's there.

but i hate just about everything that's here.