reading tuesdays with morrie

i have seven days of work left in taiwan...my first job out of college is finally coming to an end.

i have extremely mixed feelings about everything. even though i can say with absolute certainty that i don't want to stay here, i can't help but feel like crying when i think about telling my students that i'm going (which i still haven't done. irresponsible..i know), or when i think about leaving the friends that i've made here.

it's been ten long months of waiting, dark, hazy and unclear. usually filled with pain, emotional and physical, and endless confusion. asking myself who i am. seeing pictures of myself, knowing that it's me, yet...completely unable to associate that person with who i am inside.

but all of a sudden my experiences are coming into focus, and i can remember all the good things that i horded and hid somewhere in my ridiculous brain. i bought those memories with my unhappiness, and it's about time i brought them out, and let them shine like the drops of brilliant crystal that they are.


funny, i thought i could write about them...but i can't seem to articulate what any of them are.

even when i'm next to a good friend, i can still say point blank that i hate it here. even though they've said that they don't want me to leave. even though i know i'm insulting our friendship by essentially saying, "we're good friends and i'm so glad that i know you and met you and that you spent time with me when i was lonely, but i hate this place. this place you love, where you live, where you grew up, and where you want to be."

maybe it's because i was reading tuesdays with morrie while i was watching closer, but for some reason the only example of pure, energizing joy i can remember right now is this:

i met a boy. and he talked to me like he actually liked me. like he actually might want something real. and i believed him so that i could feel that sense of being full and complete, like i was someone that could be adored and wanted. i said to myself, enjoy this right now. enjoy this feeling because it's rare and not the result of crazy hormones, lack of sleep, alcohol, sugar, caffeine, a shopping high, or an unhealthy diet. it's real. someone likes you. a boy likes you.

you love him in this moment, and it's okay even if he breaks your heart later.

and i did do that..and i think it's the most courageous thing i did while i was here...to allow myself to feel that without hesitation and without doubt.

it was silly but i did it, and even though my reservations about him were completely on point, i'm still completely happy that i did what i did.

because i havent been able to do that since. and i worry that i won't be able to do it again, that i've pushed away any chance for it to happen. i can't even seem to open my heart to my friends.

i thought this post would be a bittersweet reminisce, something that would end my time here on a happy note, but it seems like i was mistaken. for all the good things i know i've experienced here, for some reason i still can't seem to dig myself out of my own bitterness.

i just can't seem to open my mind and think it through.

no, can't, won't, and hate just come effortlessly to mind.

i can read more chinese now, and sometimes there are jokes on the cellophane lids on our cups.

"why don't black people like eating dark chocolate?"

"because they're afraid they might accidentally bite off one of their fingers."

i've never seen so much innocent ignorance in my life.

i'm scared of going home. i'm scared of the nothing that's there.

but i hate just about everything that's here.

everything seemed a little bit better today.

cockroaches ad nauseum

there's roaches in my fridge, there's roaches in my fridge..
hi-ho-a-dairy-o there's roaches in my fridge.


what the fuck.

of all things, why my FRIDGE??!!!

the fridge is sacred. when you open it's door, a glow emanates from within, illuminating a treasure trove of life sustaining leftovers. and now, when i open the door, all i see in my mind's eye is a cockroach shaped blot on that high holy light.

ignorance is bliss. i know there are cockroaches everywhere in taiwan, probably in all the kitchens i've ever eaten in. but when i have to sleep, eat, breathe, and shower with them...i start to feel a bit edgy.

a bit strung out.

a bit neurotic.

and i start to go a little bit crazy.

i hate sending out an email, only to immediately realize there was a typo.

but it's too late.

cant fix it.

ARRRGGHHH

i had a good day today! a pretty good week, as well. birthday festivities just kinda spilled over.

i teach a class with one of my friends, and we just started ragging on each other and pulling the kids into the middle of it.

yeah...one close person makes all the difference. i feel like i need to compartmentalize the world around me in order to make myself feel comfortable. with her, i can grab a piece of taiwan and make it my own. make it comprehensible.

without close friends, i just kinda feel like i'm floating around, and the world becomes too much to handle.

i have two months left and we've been planning out all the weekends that i have left.

so far, we have hualien, taroko gorge, waterfall hikes, and the philippines. there are also some weekends where i have to visit my grandparents in taipei and my aunt in kenting.

i also want to go back to an area that's a sheep farm because i didnt get to get pictures the first time i was there. it's awesome, cuz if you look up from the bottom of the hill, it's like you can see clouds sitting on top of the green.

sun moon lake is beautiful as well. the water's so level and smooth, but it still sparkles in the sunlight. when kheng and party visited, keiko and i stood on some steps in the water, and i felt like i could just step out and walk on the waves. it's breathtaking.

i also MIGHT be able to go to korea, but to be honest.. i'm not as interested in korea as i am in southeast asia. it'd probably be more expensive as well. but i dunno. gotta go to find out!

ARGH I STILL WANT TO GO TO INDIA. AND I REALLY WANT TO GO BACK TO JAPAN.

i'm going back to america dead broke.

cockroaches are so dirty that soap can kill them.

anyway me and my roommate are drowning in these motherfuckers, and since we stayed up last night cleaning away the dust and clutter on the table and floor, we can see them a hell of a lot better now.

which means these suckers are going to be fucking cockroach pancakes.

roachcakes.

the swiffer broom has been co opted as the cockroach masher. we just take turns standing guard.


someone told me that i don't like it here because i havent met any good guys here. that if i met someone good, i would want to stay, because taiwan is a very good place.

maybe i'm just being close-minded, but i dont see that happening. at all. ever.

as far as i'm concerned, the guys here are about as useful as the roaches dirtying my tile floor.

searching for home

skipping stones into a patchwork sky
digging in crab filled sand
discovery is something that
can't be written in words
or awakened by grains of coffee
it's something that comes
with the sunrise
that once lost will come back
again and again

the book thief, peter pan, and tuesday with morrie

Bio

西城恵子

けーき　が　好きで、石山大地　が　　きらい。

以上。

チャンルシア

お酒　が　すきで、石山大地　が　非常　きらい。

以上。

田辺ケーシー　

牛　が　好きで、石山大地　が　非常　好きだ。

スーパー　好きだ、

以上。

cream sauce part 2

woke up at 9:30 to go to a supermarket that sells cream, so i can try to make cream sauce again.

get there at 9:50. store doesnt open til 10. that's fine. go in, at 10, look for the cream. can't find it. i didnt walk 15 minutes to go back empty handed, so i pick up the heavy whipping cream and wait for the workers to finish their morning pep talk.

they finish their meeting at 10:15.

i find one of them, and she tells me they're out of the small boxes of cream, but that the cream that i'm holding should be perfectly fine. she seems knowledgeable, so i'm like, fine whatever i'll take it.

i go home and start making the sauce, dump the cream in...and then taste it. and realize what an idiot i am. cuz like most heavy creams, this one came sweetened.

so, i now have sweet oniony cream sauce that no one would ever want to eat.

this whole thing started because i told two of my coworkers that they should come over for a meal one day. i've made cream sauce once before in taiwan, and multiple times in japan, so i thought it wouldnt be a problem.

but now, all of a sudden, it is.

and i can't get it right.

and it's bothering me a lot more than it should.

i cant do anything right here. when i meet my relatives, i have no idea what to say or do. i don't know what to call my elders when i talk to them, i dont feel comfortable sitting at a restaurant with them and eating.

i cant make this fucking sauce.

i hate teaching because i can't do it well. i feel uncomfortable around my coworkers because i dont know how to relate to them.

i feel completely inadequate and patronized by the people i've met.

when i felt this way in college, i'd just try to boost my self esteem by going out, getting drunk, and letting myself feel attractive by making out with random guys. which is such a GREAT idea, i know. but i cant even do that here. i get tongue tied and retarded and cant say a word. when i finally get a guy into bed, i just kick him out and not let him do anything.

just, i. and i. and i.

Have no idea what i'm doing here.

Am afraid and blow things out of proportion, probably because of culture shock.

Think about everything way too much.

Expect too much from the people around me.. expect too much from being here.

i hate it here.

bad kitchen week!!! oh, and one of the burners is broken. so that's annoying enough.

tuesday night: cut my finger. bled through 8 paper towels.
tuesday night: failed porridge

i started freakin out when the blood started pouring out. strangely enough, my grandparents called 10 minutes later to ask if anything was wrong.


thursday morning: failed cream sauce!
- woke up to go pay rent, cancelled my language exchange so i could buy ingredients and cook. i was supposed to bring it to work to share with some of my coworkers. but FAILED. epic failed!!! i used milk instead of cream cuz the grocery store i went to didnt have any, which wouldnt mix properly with the butter, and then i put in the cheese that was in the fridge, and the entire thing was MOLDY and green and i was like SHIT so i pulled it out but it was already too late.

so now i have modly separated milky butter sauce.

YUM!

i want a camera!

so, on saturday my uncle and his wife came to see me!

we spent the whole day eating. it was pretty awesome.

i don't know why he did it, but when we were getting in the car to leave a scenic spot, he decided to drive forward, over the parking divider, instead of backing up. the car ended up getting stuck with the divider between the front and the back wheels.

the guy who owned the scenic spot saw us, took a look, and yelled at his guests. "hey, all you young strong people! come down here!"

they all came down, and the guys, two white guys and a bunch of taiwanese guys, gathered around the trunk, lifted the car, and pushed it over the divider.

it was pretty cooooooool.

saturday night went to a bar owned by a south african and a taiwanese person, called the londoner. i swear the place smelled just like a frat house. i was like...oh...i'm back in the states.

sunday went to visit some people we'd met at training in a city south of us.

i was tongue tied.

anyways.

i bought a shirt that is PERFECT for me! there are a bunch of pandas all over it, and they're all saying "alcohol is my soulmate. come have a drink with me sometime. enjoy life!"

and stuff like that.

on the way back, we forgot to transfer trains, and ended up having to take a taxi back halfway.

feeling unlucky, lately.

or actually...have been shown how lucky i am. :D

they didn't take anything from my roommate. they'd gone through her wallet and taken out the 25US, and just thrown it on the table.

they took everything that i had...even a one dollar bill i'd left in a sandwich bag.

it's weird to have someone go through all your stuff.

unzip all the bags.

open all the boxes.

go through all your clothes.

these things, even though they weren't taken...they're private. they're things i brought here with me that i got from friends and family.

i guess...i'm glad they only took the money. but i still hate that they did this.


you go home, and everything's open. everything that should be closed is open.


whatever.


i still have my coach bag. motherfuckers.

i want to cry

granted, i've had a couple of beers.


our apartment got broken into today.

well.

the police and the security guards are assuming that i forgot to lock the door.


so we didn't get broken into per se...the abc was just retarded and left her door open.

so you know, i was asking for it.


they took all the extra cash i had on me. cash that i was saving to pay for chinese classes at a local college.

when we reported it to the police, they were confused at first...because my roommate's chinese isn't very good, and they had assumed nothing was taken. i got home four hours later and found out my money was gone.

1. what was taken?
2. how much money was taken?
3. (not to my face. to my roomate) why did she have that much money on her? (the doormen think i'm a whore, btw.)
4. you're not taiwanese? seriously? let's get a translator.

translator gets here.

4. she's the one that needs help? she doesnt look foreign.
5. how much money do you make a month?
6. how much does your rent cost? (nothing to do with anything, just in case you couldnt figure that out)
7.. do you have a boyfriend or husband?
8. why don't you have a boyfriend/husband?
9. you must be used to seeing black people, huh? (not that i'm [the cop] being racist, you know)

i get home from work. my roommate tells us we've been broken into. i think she's joking. then i see that she has the kitchen knife next to her on the coffee table. we answer everyone's fucking nosy ass questions. i go to the police. the male police officers practice their english on me. view me as a novelty. i go home.

while i'm at the police station, my roommate stays at the apt with the security guard, who gets into an argument with her about how she's not American. (she's ABC as well).

asshole.

the security guards tell me to pay 500 NT to pay for the cost of transcribing the surveillance tapes to CD.

i tell them, "i was just robbed, and you want me to give you money?" (we already pay a security fee for our building...on top of our rent).

they tell me they'll get back to me about it later.

i had gotten home around 9. it's midnight now. i hadnt eaten since 4. and i fucking failed the class i had taught at six.

we go to a bar.

cuz naturally, i'm an alcoholic. and i can't handle these situations. have a cigarette too. meet some dogs. wax poetic about how much greater animals are than people.

i meet a bunch of white guys who remind me why i hate america.

or just why i hate white guys.

and i think..


WELCOME TO FUCKING TAIWAN.

taiwan: 1.5 months.

i love kacey

omg i make no sense and im just confused right now bear with me

it's 7am and i can feel my breath congeal against my face mask. moist air on one side, pollution on the other.

having sex seems to mean so much more here than it does anywhere else.

a cabbie picks me up on the corner.

"i thought the foreigner would be getting in the car, too"

i shake my head no.

"he's your..." he prompts, but i know what he's thinking. my hair is disheveled, my eyes are bleary, i smell like alcohol.

i know what he is thinking. the people who had seen me on the curb had been thinking the same thing.

"he's my co-worker. i'm an english teacher."

but it's not true, what you're thinking, i go on, justifying my actions. it's commonplace in america, this type of thing. it's okay, because i'm american too, and this is what happens in America.

because i'm american too.

it doesn't matter that nothing happened last night. that he was a white boy who wanted to be jerked off, while i laid in bed next to him with all my clothes on.

the cabbie knows what happened.

he looks at my face.

"you speak chinese well. lots of ABC's, they come back, and they can't speak a word."

"thanks."

he looks at me in the rearview mirror again.

i look at him.

he speaks a few lines of taiwanese.

"you didn't understand what i just said?"

"no," i say. "didn't understand any of it at all."

my apt

soo....this is my apt!
i sleep at the top of those stairs. it reminded me of japan, so i was really happy when my roomie and i decided to get this place. it even has the same dust bunnies as i would have in japan...plus it's a little bit less claustrophobic.

random though, i miss how japan smells.

anyways, the problem is that people just walk up those stairs whenever they want...i guess they dont realize it's my bedroom - they think of it more as an extension of the living room.
even though my bed is up there, and i'm up there in my pj's under the blankets, some people still go up there and try to talk to me.

what i need is a KEEP THE FUCK OUT UNLESS I'M TALKING TO YOU sign.
or, a door that i can close.

god i hate that my english sucks now. i cant express my thoughts the way i used to.

anyways.

shower curtain, maybe?

LOVE YOU

music is lifesaving.
it expands the soundtrack of my lifeeeeee!


THANKS KACEY!

stray dogs are SCARY at night. they form packs in the outdoor markets, where all the vendors leave their tables. i was jogging, and all of a sudden i hear all this barking, and a couple of them ran right up to me and started growling at me. i felt like they were going to bite my legs.

on a side note...

food gives me a buzz now.

alcohol does not.

Taiwan One Month

i've actually been sick for the majority of the time that i've been here, but that hasnt kept me from going out at all..which in hindsight, is what i guess is keeping me sick.

things that happened this month:
1. saw a taiwanese doctor! he sat me down in a chair..kinda like a dentist's chair, and looked down my throat (normal) and up my nose (wasn't expecting that). then, he takes one of those long q-tips, a cotton swab on a wooden skewer, and tells me that he's going to put medicine on the infected areas.
...
he sticks the qtip UP my nose.
there's this pretty dirty pick up line i recently heard: i wanna feel your bellybutton..from the inside.
well, this doctor felt my face...from the inside...and it definitely is an experience i never want to have again.

2. rode the taiwanese metro! it's cleaner than japan's..if you can believe that. there are also less routes, so riding it is a lot simpler than riding the japanese system.

3. i miss the diversity that we have at home. there are asian faces here, and occasionally white faces, but that's it. i don't like that my english school asks specifically for a north american accent, yet, as far as i know, hasn't hired any other non-white applicants. according to the man who interviewed me, they're extremely careful about hiring ABC's as well. ABC is almost a dirty word here, actually. the interviewer claimed that he was proud that the company hires people from new zealand, south africa, australia, UK, Canada, etc...because those places arent typically thought of as english speaking nations...definitely not as american-accent nations...but he claimed that that was diversity..that the company was changing how taiwanese people saw the world. now that's great...but i think hiring some black people or latin american people or indian people or other asians from those areas would "teach" the taiwanese people even more.

4. cooked my first real meal today! a fit end to my first month here.

5. went to my branch and started teaching english! well, that's just my job description..i'm not sure how much the kids actually learn. they're little english reading robots. the people at my branch are really nice. i'm the only female NST (native speaking teacher) at my branch. the other four NST's are boys. the girl boy NST ratio here is about 1:5...or 1:4 i would say. my roommate says that makes us hot commodities.

6. spent my first chinese new year in Asia! EVERYTHING closes down - food stands, restaurants, stores, banks, doctors etc. people go back to their 地元 and spend time with their families. it's like an eating marathon. then, for the whole week that chinese new year goes on, all of the prices are higher. the cabbies automatically add 85NT to each fare, haircuts cost more, etc. since most stores are closed, people scramble to scenic areas to catch a glimpse of nature. there isnt much green here at all..it makes me miss home, and 都留。

7. the zoo in taipei got pandas! people spend four hours in line to see the pandas for five minutes.

8. watched a lot of the L word. never seen so many boobs in my life.

25 random facts

1. i love kacey.
2. i love kheng.
3. i love krysta.
4. i love keiko.
5. i love janjon.
6. i love cheryl.
7. i love frances.
8. i love vanlin.
9. i love rupa.
10. i love alexandra.
11. i'm scared of strangers, especially if they're guys.
12. if i can, i will forgo eating in favor of drinking alcohol.
13. i bless farts and burps, but only rarely do i bless sneezes.
14. if i'm drunk, i sleep naked. if i'm fucked up, i sleep with all my clothes on.
15. i love japanese dramas.
16. my life is driven by my stomach.
17. i believe talent is infinitely more attractive than good looks.
18. i despise people who don't think of the needs of others before their own.
19. i've been to canada, switzerland, italy, japan, and china, but i've never been to mexico.
20. the more time i spend abroad, the more i think of myself as american.
21. my favorite food is rice.
22. i only believe in ghosts when i'm alone.
23. if i dislike someone enough, i want to vomit when i see them.
24. if i like someone enough, i want to kiss them when i see them.
25. the memorable moments of my life have nothing to do with success, failure or alcohol. they're simply moments in which i remember that i am alive.

culture shock? what culture shock?

being in japan made me realize that i'm not japanese. that's fine. that makes sense.

being in taiwan makes me realize that i'm not taiwanese...even though...i am. and that hurts a lot more than the realization that i'm not japanese.

BUT.

being able to fight with my mom while we're both halfway around the world, away from home and celebrating chinese new year, shows me that i can be at home no matter where the hell i am.

TAIWAN

so, if any of you people want to come to Taiwan, the apartment i'm in has more than enough space to accomodate ALL of you. so COME.

i got pretty sick, actually, a couple of days after i arrived....so i'm pretty drugged up and tired.

i got back from work today and just sat on the couch in our new apartment, chillin, like i would normally do anywhere else, and all of a sudden i just felt so homesick.

like, i wanted to cry.

i havent felt this way since i've had to break up with a boyfriend.

and it isn't just homesick, because i'm used to not being at home..i feel no desire to be in Japan or America or California or Palo Alto or SF or LA...

i just really really want to be with all of YOU.

it's amazing. the friends i've made in the past year have impacted my life so much more than i could have thought possible.


it sucks that you guys arent here with me, and that i'm not wherever you all are.

you got your man set-up.

now all you gotta do is demo do and wrap up.

tofu flower

our practical assessment test is tomorrow! we need to give demo lessons to an observer.


...i'm having a lot of trouble with it, actually.

so i got something after dinner to cheer myself up.



it's tofu flower soup in sweet syrup with tapioca pearls!

yup.

everyone in taiwan is really nice :D.
we ate at a street vendor's today, and they explained the menu to me haha.

I CANT READ CHINESE MENUS

i got all my medical tests done!! i think the company is paying for them, so i'm happy.
i got blood drawn for the first time! i also got a chest xray for the first time!
it was weird to see my own blood pump into the vial. when i connected what was happening with the visual i got a little queasy.


but i got over it!


yeah that's right i'm a fighter. christina aguilera would be proud.

anyways..
my cousin took me out after last night after training, and guess what i found out!

THE TITLE OF THIS ENTRY!

his girlfriend just ended up ordering something for all of us so it didnt really matter.

it was really cool too..i wish i had pictures.

we sat at a square table that had a pit in the center of it, and the waiter lowered a broth-filled urn-pot with live coals underneath it into the pit. it felt like hot pot the way my ancestors would have eaten it!

actually wait my ancestors are probably from China.

but oh well they probably did it too!

the broth was filled with chinese medicines, so it felt extremely healthy. the herbs and roots probably counteracted all of the grease that was floating at the top.

OH WAIT WAIT WAIT. I FOUND OUT A WAY TO GIVE A VISUAL!

So, imagine that the trash can is the urn-pot (just the pot would have been fatter with handles), and that the suitcase is the fire beneath it. YEAH!


Now, imagine that this was our table! actually, our table wasn't much bigger than this. i had trouble fitting.
NOW, put the two together!!!!! (just imagine the trash can is under the table and poking out through a hole in the center of the stool.)


TA DA! there you have it! that was more or less my dinner last night!


oh fun fact:
you can't flush toilet paper/toilet cover seats in taiwan cuz the pipes are too narrow. you have to throw it out in the small trash can in the bathroom stall.

AND
taiwanese are more anal about garbage than japanese. IF you can believe it.


...which is weird cuz Taiwan is a bit dirtier than japan. must be the pollution.

JET LAG INSANITY

i am in taiwannnnnnnnnnnnn, in a hotel room....and i cant sleep.


sooo i've just been listening to random music on youtube and dancing around.

there's a mirror on the desk right behind my computer. it's pretty distracting. i keep staring at myself and making faces.



ummm.

here:
these are fruits that are indigenous to taiwan! they're pretty tasty.















i'm missing a lot of paperwork, so i'm kinda worried.

otherwise, it's just really humid here.

yup yup yup yup.

OH there are FAMILY MARTS here!!! i walked into one in thought of japan and how much i want to go back. they have nikuman in the cases and everything. and even the same ocha that we would drink.
aaaah　なつかしい

it's funny cuz, even though i'm in Taiwan...i'm really just ONLINE in taiwan.

so no matter where i go...i'm kinda still in the same place.

oi, to be a hermit.

the worldwide web is HOME!

it's raining right now

i'm leaving for the airport in 6 hours, and boarding the plane in 3.

i had written this long-ass thing before about regret and then decided it was too retarded and poorly written to post.

suffice it to say, i don't exactly feel good about this, and i'm going into it with ridiculously low expectations.

well then, for the new year, i guess there's no place to go but up.


that's my dad. "it's 8, i have to go feed the pigeons."
it's weird, cuz we've had pigeons for longer than we've had our dog, but i think this is the first time i've ever heard him say that.

daily routines that i never even thought about are what i'm leaving behind now.