cream sauce part 2

woke up at 9:30 to go to a supermarket that sells cream, so i can try to make cream sauce again.

get there at 9:50. store doesnt open til 10. that's fine. go in, at 10, look for the cream. can't find it. i didnt walk 15 minutes to go back empty handed, so i pick up the heavy whipping cream and wait for the workers to finish their morning pep talk.

they finish their meeting at 10:15.

i find one of them, and she tells me they're out of the small boxes of cream, but that the cream that i'm holding should be perfectly fine. she seems knowledgeable, so i'm like, fine whatever i'll take it.

i go home and start making the sauce, dump the cream in...and then taste it. and realize what an idiot i am. cuz like most heavy creams, this one came sweetened.

so, i now have sweet oniony cream sauce that no one would ever want to eat.

this whole thing started because i told two of my coworkers that they should come over for a meal one day. i've made cream sauce once before in taiwan, and multiple times in japan, so i thought it wouldnt be a problem.

but now, all of a sudden, it is.

and i can't get it right.

and it's bothering me a lot more than it should.

i cant do anything right here. when i meet my relatives, i have no idea what to say or do. i don't know what to call my elders when i talk to them, i dont feel comfortable sitting at a restaurant with them and eating.

i cant make this fucking sauce.

i hate teaching because i can't do it well. i feel uncomfortable around my coworkers because i dont know how to relate to them.

i feel completely inadequate and patronized by the people i've met.

when i felt this way in college, i'd just try to boost my self esteem by going out, getting drunk, and letting myself feel attractive by making out with random guys. which is such a GREAT idea, i know. but i cant even do that here. i get tongue tied and retarded and cant say a word. when i finally get a guy into bed, i just kick him out and not let him do anything.

just, i. and i. and i.

Have no idea what i'm doing here.

Am afraid and blow things out of proportion, probably because of culture shock.

Think about everything way too much.

Expect too much from the people around me.. expect too much from being here.

i hate it here.